Office Space meets Pod People

I, um, "awake" to find that it's 10:00 a.m. on a Monday, and that I've slept off my carpool only to wake up with a dream hangover.

"Oh noooooooo," I say, suddenly showered, dressed, and present at work.

My boss Michael — who is normally always very chill — is so angry at me that he relocated my cubicle to a weird, scary, undiscovered corner of the building, complete with blue-glowing alien lights and otherworldly foliage snaking around the office equipment. He informs me of his displeasure in a passive-aggressive fashion, then folds up a large, wood-slatted Oriental fan and throws it into my arms with enough force to sting. Then he walks off, and I stand flabbergasted in my glowing cubicle holding this heavy fan. I sigh and turn on my computer.

Before long I learn that the company is requiring "mandatory immunizations," and we're all supposed to be inoculated by the 14th of September [I started the draft of this post on the 7th]. I'm extremely reluctant to get them, since they seem so shady, and I notice that coworkers who had been skeptical about them immediately become pro-immunization after getting them.

"Oh, they're great! I've never felt better!" is the kind of wide-eyed, manic opinion they try to force on me.

In the break room, the Inoculated use an Energy Restoration Machine instead of eating or playing foosball. They walk into a phone-booth-sized pod, strap in, and the machine recharges them, their bodies convulsing with electricity. Their faces twist into strange, lizard-like jaws temporarily, but once they're out they look refreshed, happy, and high on life.

Before long, Bill -- and this is actually his name in real life -- comes over and sits on my desk in my cubicle, even though he has no say over my tasks in real life. For some reason he perfectly imitates Bill Lumbergh from Office Space:

"Yeah, so . . . I'm gonna need you to mosey on down to Human Resources and get those shots, 'cause frankly, Willie, I'm not quite seeing the Winning Attitude we've been talking about in our meetings." The alien zombie coworkers approach from the adjoining cubicles, forming an impenetrable wall of of opinionless flesh, their faces lining me in with expectant and malicious faces.